It was a simple question.
"How have you been?"
That's all. Four little words and a question mark contained very neatly in a text message.
But I didn't have an answer. To say I was fine didn't feel honest, nor did saying I wasn't. So, I decided to wait to figure out how I really was before responding. The day passed and I still didn't have an answer. I spent the following day pondering what I would say and finally sent a reply being as real as I could in the moment: "Still working on it...".
The truth is life is full of many good things right now. I'm on the other side of an intense battle with depression. I can get back into my favorite pair of jeans which feels great! My husband is thriving in a new position he took on last fall. I'm finally getting back into the studio with some new songs. My son got the summer camp job we had hoped and prayed for. We will watch my daughter graduate from high school in a few short weeks. All good things!
But in the midst of these good things, I have found myself struggling with increased anxiety. Tears flow easily. My heart feels like it's doing somersaults throughout the day and doesn't stop for rest at night. Sleep is at times elusive. The not-so-little littlest one of my crew asks me daily if I'm ok and sometimes multiple times over the course of the day.
In an effort to get to the root of my issues, I decided to write out all the things that were weighing heavily on my heart and lay them out to pray over...world events, financial needs, health concerns, big changes coming up for us as a family. Some of these things could have had subcategories with multiple bullets under them, some were interconnected, but they all had a common denominator: I was trying to carry the weight of them on my own.
It wasn't coincidence that one of the first verses I read that morning was "Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you." (I Peter 5:7) Give them away. All of them. With the verse came the gentle reminder that I needed to let God take his rightful throne in my life and be sovereign over all these things that have been weighing me down.
I've been working on release this week. And to be honest, it hasn't been an instantaneous thing for me. I've held those papers in my hands and prayed over them again since that morning. But I can say that in acknowledging my need to relinquish my grip on these burdens, my load has felt a bit lighter.
In a moment of feeling incapable of navigating through the next couple months, my daughter reminded me that all that's needed to get by is God, love and chocolate. Unfortunately, I can't rely on chocolate right now because of dietary restrictions (that's a whole other story), but I'm grateful to be surrounded by family that loves immensely and I have faith that God who has proven to be faithful time and time again will continue to be so.
To my dear friend who was checking in on me...I hope this answers your question.